The Power of Giving Kids Choices

Have you ever asked your 4 year old what they want to wear? Then have to endure a 5 minute void full of “um’s”, only to ultimately receive an “I don’t know”? Or how about watching them run to grab their favorite coat when it’s actually 90 degrees outside? How did that one end for you? Or have you ever asked your tween what they would like to do this weekend, only to have them propose an unworkable activity which leads to an argument, and ultimately you choosing for them. As your displeased child storms off to his/her room you wonder why you bothered to ask in the first place. Sometimes it just seems easier for parents to make choices for their kids, at least for the sake of time and the avoidance of conflict.

As adults we feel as though we are faced with an avalanche of choices everyday. Whether we like it or not, we usually must make them for ourselves, our kids, and our work. This can be exhausting. Kids, on the other hand, find themselves being told what to do, think, and feel countless times throughout their day. That’s exhausting too. The sense of having little say in how your day unfolds creates its own stress with lasting effects on psychological development and self-esteem. To flourish, kids need a healthy degree of guidance from parents, teachers, coaches, and mentors. However, to give balance and aid their growth we should ensure our kids have the chance to make choices, big and small, about their day-to-day lives. The process of deliberating options, weighing these against our internal values, and living with the consequences is among the most human of endeavors and an enormous opportunity for self-growth. This also presents a goldmine of learning experience for kids who, amidst the stress of quarantine life, perhaps need choices now more than ever. 

As an educator and child behavior specialist, I’ve observed a wide range of benefits that children receive when they are empowered to make choices. A few of these include:

Learning self respect - When they see that their opinion is taken seriously, so much that some choices for the family are made because they voiced their preference, it teaches them that their voice matters. 

Learning critical thinking and problem solving skills - As they grow older it’s less about eeny-meeny-miny-moe, and more about what they really want and what is best for them. With your guidance they learn to ask questions, gather information, and analyze—skills that become ever more critical as they grow.

Learning that all actions and choices have consequences - Choices are most empowering when we deeply feel that we’ve brought about a desired change. However, sometimes the outcome doesn’t go as planned. That’s ok. As they grow, children need to learn how to consider a range of possible outcomes that could unfold, weigh the risks, and decide what action is worth taking.

Learning about responsibility - Responsible choice-making means owning the outcome of your actions. Stepping into the role of being responsible for the outcomes of your choices is a proven ingredient for building self-esteem. The weight of this responsibility will, in turn, make them more measured in their future choices. 

So, how do we teach our kids to make choices? It’s easiest to start early. The younger they are, the more time you have with them to practice before they start making their own decisions with real life consequences in the real world. There are some proven techniques that help parents guide their kids to become better and more independent at decision making: 

Start by giving them two preferred choices - When they are young, practice by giving them choices that they will not get upset about. Some kids do this easily, while for others it will be quite difficult. Give them time, don’t rush them. You might have to say, “Take your time, come to me when you’ve made up your mind.”

Make sure you can follow through on these choices - The options you give them must always be ones that you can follow through and will follow through on. Do not give choices that will not/cannot happen. ie. “throw toys away” (unless you’re going to), “going home right now” (unless you are ready to grab your things and head home). Kids are so good at reading your bluff, and if they catch you, you will lose trust and credibility. 

Give them a preferred and non-preferred choice - When you think they are ready, you can introduce non-preferred choices. This means you give them a choice that you want them to make, with one that isn’t bad, but you “know” they will not choose, ie. “It’s time to go home now, would you like to leave now, or in 5 minutes?” (An extra tip on this is to put a 5 minute timer on your phone and let them press the start button. Anything that makes them feel more invested in their choice, the smoother it will be.) Make sure to keep giving options that you can follow through on, they will surprise you sometimes and pick the ‘non-preferred’.

Say these using the same voice and volume you used with the two preferred choices - This is so important. When we give non-preferred choices, our voices often become more “threatening”, and they can read this. Keep talking like both choices are great choices. 

As they get older, give them more choices - Having 3 choices (usually 2 preferred and one non-preferred) helps them practice the skills mentioned above.  

Explain to them the natural consequences (what will happen) of each choice - They all need help seeing the implication of their choices, even as they become teenagers. As they get older, keep checking in on them. Again, make sure your voice is calm when you explain these consequences so they know that it is not a punishment, it’s just the natural reaction to an action. 

Be consistent and follow through - Kids thrive when there is stability. The more this is practiced, with a set rhythm, the safer they will feel to make their own choices and think about potential consequences. 

As they grow, they will add their own ideas for choices, take them into consideration - Taking their ideas into consideration lets them know that they are being heard. Even if you don’t agree with the idea, give in sometimes, they will learn by themselves why it might not have been the best idea. 

Teach without ridicule - If they make an “undesired” choice, it’s important to create a safe and non-judgmental space for them to talk to you about it. This builds trust. In turn, they will be more likely to listen to your advice and guidance down the road when faced with difficult or consequential choices again.

What you will see as they grow older is an enhanced ability to articulate their own ideas about which choices to follow. Not only that, they will provide sound reasoning as to why their ideas might even be preferable to yours. And in time, more frequently, they will be right. This produces young leaders who follow their inner compass instead of the crowd. As a parent, you’ll know that you have done a great job at teaching your child how to think critically, solve problems, and take responsibility for the outcome of their life decisions—big and small. 

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